12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
