Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize