Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
