last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
