I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
