We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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