I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
