I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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