There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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