i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
