Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
