I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize