Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
