Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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