her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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