i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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