we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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