He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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