He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
