while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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