wrigley field is MILF paradise
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
