Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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