I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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