would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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