sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
