Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
