Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
