Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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