i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize