if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
