Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you would pick up someone in the library
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
