apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
