To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
