I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
