Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
