the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
