Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
