At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
