sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
