just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
