she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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