Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
