I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
