I think i sorta joined a cult last night
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
