I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Randomize
