Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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