I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
