I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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