Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
