I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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