I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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