happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
