were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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