Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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