I am spending my child support on dildos
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
