I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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