Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
