fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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