i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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