Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
